burnt out.

The floor was cold and hard under her palms.

It usually helped, being close to the ground, but somehow this time it was different. She didn’t know how it got so bad so suddenly, as if someone yanked her battery out and left her powerless and confused. What happened?

She was aware that life around her kept moving. She could hear the noises, the screaming followed by peals of laughter somewhere in the house. The sound of objects being thrown onto the floor, picked up, thrown back again. And again. And again.

She only had enough energy to look out for the wrong type of screaming, but other than that, she was done. Empty.

The questions were always the same. Why am I like this? Why can’t I be better? Why can’t I do this right? She heard the tales of other women, much stronger women who didn’t end their days on the floor barely able to move. Why can’t I be like them? What’s wrong with me?

The rushing sound in her ears grew louder and she felt tiny pinpricks climbing up her arms. Her chest constricted, burned, like she was underwater but when she tried to swim up for air, her limbs failed her.

She felt like she was drowning.

She lost track of how long she sat on the floor, unmoving.

Then she heard a faint click, the sound of the door unlocking and the effect was instantaneous. The noose around her neck loosened. The thundering roar in her ears faded into silence. The prickling sensation on her skin went away. Her limbs moved and she swam up for air.

“I’m home!”

She could breathe again.

@_brianareads: Attachments by Rainbow Rowell (Spoiler Review)

Score: 2.5 ★ / 5 ★

I’m back with another book review because like the train-wreck that I am, I decided to read two books in a week and neglected every other task that I was supposed to do. When I say my laundry was piling up? It literally was a mountain. It was a thrill though, staying up late reading in the dark while my husband and kids were sleeping, the threat of waking up early and mountains of chores that I ignored ominously lingering. I felt like I was back in college and blowing off that paper I should have done days ago.

Anyway. Let’s move on.

This book was on my TBR list for YEARS. I don’t know why I kept putting it off because Rainbow Rowell is one of my auto-buy authors but I finally got around to finishing it a few weeks ago.

I have mixed feelings about this book honestly and to be completely honest with you, if I had read this book when I found it, which was in high school, I would’ve thought this was the ultimate love-at-first-sight love story and easily would have given this book a 5 star score.

BUT, now I’m older and (hopefully) wiser and more aware of red flags in people, I slightly got the creeps.

This book tells the story of Lincoln O’Neill, who works in IT and is tasked to monitor his co-workers’ work email and flag them if he finds anything inappropriate. This was set in like the start of the 2000s, with the Y2K and the transition to newspaper offices using the internet. Beth and Jessica knew that someone was monitoring these personal conversation they keep having using their work emails but they didn’t care, they thought ‘what are they actually going to do? we’re just talking about our weekend.’

Lincoln got hooked reading their banter and witty exchange. He knew he was supposed to stop reading them and getting invested, and he caught feelings for Beth, oops. At first he didn’t know what to do, but after a few excruciating chapters of pining and guessing if any of the women he talked to on the editorial floor was Beth, they eventually met and he confessed.

Happy ending.

This is where I started having problems.

The entire time I was reading this book, I felt violated almost? Like as if I was Beth and the thought of someone reading my emails and enjoying them as if they’re his daily reading material instead of just flagging it and move on, I would be absolutely terrified. There is no other possible outcome other than me freaking out that someone had been so engrossed in reading my emails that they developed actual feelings for me. I mean sure, Beth wasn’t supposed to use her work email for personal conversations, but that’s just creepy.

Like if you change the ending and the tone a little, this could pass as a Criminal Minds episode.

The only reason why I still gave this book a 2.5/5 instead of straight up abandoning it was the side relationships. When I started reading this book, what immediately got me interested was Beth and Jessica’s relationship. Their conversation was written through email, and while the conversations were short and simple, the stuff they talk about was anything but. They talked about marriage, failed relationships, miscarriages, feeling like you’re not good enough that you’re willing to settle in your relationships. Y’know, real life shit. It was also written like how I would talk to my friends, but with less dick-jokes and swearing.

The only thing that I have trouble picturing was how a basement dwelling IT guy who has very little social life and no success in relationships to look like Chris Evans. Ok maybe not Evans but the way he was described was how handsome and jacked he was and I was like, uh, what? Immediately thrown off.

Would I recommend this book? Probably not. Like, it’s alright, but you won’t be missing out on anything special with this one. I would recommend Rowell’s other books like Fangirl, Eleanor & Park, or Carry On. Now those are great reads.

Until next time!

xo, Briana

@_brianareads: The Love Hypothesis by Ali Hazelwood (Spoiler Review)

Score: 4.5 ★ / 5 ★

Okay, where do I even start.

I am an avid reader, yes. I spend hours glued to my phone reading hundreds of thousands of words each day, but none of them are actual books. I’ve spent the better part of the last 2 years reading exclusively fan fictions and it wasn’t until I came across an Instagram reel of a bookstagramer that I decided to try reading non-fan fiction books again.

This is a case of Twitter Made Me Buy It because I saw a tweet about a Reylo fan fiction getting published and I just know I found the perfect transition book to start with. You see, the last pairing I was obsessing over was Reylo and it was like the universe worked in my favor for once, Ali Hazelwood had just released The Love Hypothesis only two weeks before. My dudes, the sound I made was nowhere near human. I immediately downloaded the e-book (my current preferred method of reading) and spent exactly a day and a half finishing it.

(I know it’s not that impressive but when you factor in the fact that I have two small human beings to take care of, it’s pretty dang impressive).

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At first I thought I would need to see Adam and Olive as Kylo and Rey to help me stay interested in the story, since that was a problem that I’ve encountered a lot when I tried reading works that were not fan fiction. I find myself really surprised and pleased that by the second chapter of the story, I realized I haven’t thought of them as their fan fiction counterpart but as their own character.

The Love Hypothesis, not to reduce it into a simple trope-addled piece of fiction, is filled with my favorite clichéd plot lines. I mean, the grumpy and sunshine pairing? Fake-dating? ‘uh oh, are we sharing a hotel room?’, friends to lovers? Happy endings? Gah! All the best stuff fiction has to offer!

Immediately though, Adam. Phew, that man is a six foot tall of grumpy, awkward, and sexy, which probably shouldn’t make sense but somehow it does. He’s my favorite type of the brooding male lead, who is mean to literally everyone except his love interest. He could go from making people cry to giving heart eyes whenever Olive is around.

Speaking of Olive. My girl, a broke PhD candidate who is guilty for using her contact lens way past it’s expiration date (which I also am guilty of sometimes, they’re obscenely expensive) who is both the dumbest and the smartest character I have ever had the pleasure of reading. The endearing kind of dumb though, not the annoying kind. Her life is one gigantic trope and he has no self preservation and jumps into things without thinking it through, like uh… Kissing Adam Carlsen? Love it.

If there’s one word to describe Olive, it would be resilient. Or strong, I can’t really decide. She’s a smart, hardworking, goal-reaching PhD candidate who just wanted to make this world a better place by diagnosing cancer early so that people could have a chance to get it treated. Pushed by the loss of her own mother to cancer, she worked herself to the bone to make it happen. All this, without making her a Mary Sue type character. She’s insecure, she’s anxious, she’s positively optimistic to the point where it’s almost naive. Her flaws made her realistic and human that when I read about Olive, I was actively rooting for her to the very end.

What I love about The Love Hypothesis is that Ali Hazelwood managed to put common tropes and plot lines in the book without making it annoying or rudimentary. It’s cheesy, sure, that was pretty obvious from the start, but it’s the good cheese. The kind that left you wanting more with a smile on your face, not the kind that cloyed in your mouth and made you nauseous.

The reason why I gave it a 4.5/5 and not a full 5 because of the sex scene.

Gasp.

I know, I know. It surprised me too. I enjoy a well written steamy scenes as much as the next person, but this one came out of nowhere. Sure there were flirting and some UST sprinkled here and there, but from the start I just never got the vibe that it was that kind of story. So to have that scene in the middle of the book took me out for a second, and I can’t believe I’m about to say this, but I felt like it would have been better if the scene was like glossed over or make it a fade-out type of thing.

Still a great read though, not a deal breaker at all for me. All in all, this was a great book to restart my reading journey and I’m glad that I was introduced to the joy that is Ali Hazelwood.

Until next read, bye!

xo Briana

Word Hunt – Quarantine Activity!

I honestly have no idea how to open this post, because all I want to say is EERRRGGGHHHHHH. To moms out there, where are you now that we’re on day 30 of quarantine? Are you still trying to be fun or are you over it?

Honestly, I’m right in the middle. I’m running low on ideas on how to make this lockdown fun for both me and Keira, but at the same time I’m like screw this, I’ll just let her watch TV so I can play with my phone all day and no NOTHING.

I think what makes this really hard on me is not knowing what to do. I’m eternally grateful that Keira is only in kindergarten because at least I can keep up with the lessons, but not knowing which direction to go makes it difficult for me to start anything. I know the school is doing their best with the sudden change in teaching methods so I’m still patiently waiting for further instructions from the school.

In the mean time though, I figured learning the ABCs and 123s should be safe, right? Before quarantine, we’ve already started reading and writing, but only one word sentences or simple objects. This quarantine I wanted Keira to continue practicing her spelling and writing, so I made up a little game.

The objective is really simple. Find an object around the house that starts with the letter on the page. So, for the letter A, Keira needs to find an object around the house that starts with the letter A. For the letter B, find an object that starts with B, and so on.

I would do this as a refresher in between more ‘serious’ lessons or whenever I needed a breather but it’s not time to watch TV just yet. So far I’ve been asking Keira to do five letters each round, but she’s been doing so well I might make her do a little more.

It’s a work in progress but this helps her improve her spelling and identifying the sounds and its corresponding letter. I’ve categorized the pages to be vowels & consonants so she could learn to differentiate them.

I hope this activity helps you with surviving quarantine, I think I’ll be making more of these activity pages in the future, but for real though, let’s hope this quarantine ends soon!

Talk to you guys later!

Click to download the fileDownload

Hello 2019 + Free Printable Calendar

Hello!

Can you believe it’s 2019 already? I swear, I thought 2018 was never going to end. It was a weird year, to be completely honest with you, I’m not even sure if some of the things that happened in 2018 actually happened. It was simultaneously the slowest and the fastest year I’ve ever experienced.

Brunch Bunch at Miss Bee Providore

On our second day of our 2-day-vacay in Bandung, we stopped by Miss Bee Providore in Ciumbuleuit for brunch. The reason this stop deserves its own post is because I took a pretty decent amount of pictures and they’re pretty cute (mostly are of Keira but I’m sure you’re all used to that by now).

The place is what you’d expect from a typical Instagram-worthy brunch spot, the room was well lit, the decor is simple yet fits well to the aesthetic of many Instagram users. The building was built like a glasshouse, in the sense that it was mostly made out of glass (yes, captain obvious). I was so glad to know that the morning Bandung air was still very comfortable to be in, unlike in Jakarta, so it was really nice to be eating with the windows opened. It’s breezy, but not cold, it’s sunny but not muggy, it really was the perfect atmosphere.

Post-Baby Uni-Life: Staying on Top of Things

— Click for Part 1 of Post-Baby Uni-Life series.

Time management was never been my strong suit. It’s something I don’t admit to a lot of people, especially my parents, because who likes to disclose that they’re struggling with keeping their shit together, right?

The Last Train to Bandung

As I was writing this post, I thought about the last time I went on a vacation and honest to God, I had a really hard time remembering. It had been so long since I went on a trip that was planned purely for entertainment, o when opportunity presented itself in the form of my cousin’s wedding, I said f- everything and let’s go (also, bless your hearts for having the wedding out of town).

Spider-man: Homecoming (Spoiler Review)

Strap in fellas, it’s going to be a long one.

How does the saying go? Third time’s the charm? Spider-man: Homecoming hits the theaters almost three weeks ago and so far, scored a whooping 92% on Rotten Tomatoes. Taking a different approach from the previous two installments, director Jon Watts drops the movie after the events of Captain America: Civil War, following Peter’s life following his brief stint on Team Iron Man.

If Hugh Jackman was born to play Wolverine, Tom Holland was born to play Spider-man, that’s just a fact. Not saying that Andrew Garfield and Tobey Maguire didn’t do a good job, they did, but Holland fits the character to a T. It’s not only the age that made Holland the perfect Spider-Man, but it’s the way he played the character. He nailed he teenage-awkwardness and it’s great that despite being Spider-man, he’s essentially the same person. He still trips over nothing, he still stuttered when it comes to girls, and he obsess over the Avengers just like your average teenagers would.

Post-Baby Uni-Life

For two years, I juggled the position of mother and student.

After taking a year off to have Keira and (trying to) getting the hang of this motherhood gig, I went back to school. Keira was roughly about 6 months old when I flew back to Jogja and the number of nights I cried myself to sleep because I was terrified was more than I could count.

Sure, I was excited but damn it, I was terrified.

My biggest concern was that I just wouldn’t have enough time to do both. Before I took my maternity leave, I was already having a hard time managing my time. Like my dad phrased it, things were on top of me, instead of me being on top of things. So the fear of incompetence plagued most nights to the point where I start thinking whether or not going back to school was worth it. But a little voice in my head kept telling me to power through, to just at least try it out first before freaking out.

So I did. I went back and had my classes with people a year my junior, and that was another thing that I was concerned about. All my friends were a year ahead of me, I would be going back to a classroom where I know absolutely no one. It might sound trivial or unimportant, but it definitely made me feel anxious and I was worried that I won’t have friends for the rest of my academic journey.

On top of all that, I was having the classic separation anxiety that comes with leaving your baby at home. I didn’t even know that was a thing, to be honest, until I talked to my mom and consulted to the internet, then I realized that it was a legitimate thing, this anxiety, and not just be being overdramatic and letting my hormones getting the best of me. Knowing that, I thought that would somehow ease my mind a little bit, but still, it didn’t help with the panicky feeling I got. A million things were going through my mind as I thought about the upcoming semester, what if she looks for me? what if she doesn’t like drinking from the bottle? what if she doesn’t want to eat? or sleep? Those are just a fraction of the constant stream of questions I psych myself with on a daily basis.

I’ll be writing a series of blog posts about my journey overcoming these fears I had before jumping in back to the academic world, to hopefully help anybody out there that is going through the same thing I did (and also because I’m an over-sharer and love telling stories about myself online).

Keep an eye on the next blog post of the Post-Baby Uni-Life series! I’ll be sharing about the ups and downs of being a full time student and a full time mom, the concerns and how I overcame them!